The Trouble With Minions
by Sculla
Summary: Loki thought mind controlling those pathetic mortals on Midgard would be relatively painless; he thought wrong


_**So I found this prompt on the kinkmeme and it wouldn't leave me alone. Don't panic those who have followed me lately, do appease you all you should discover the latest chapter update to Family Ties.**_

* * *

_**Prompt:**_

Because I've just rewatched the movie, and been playing different variations of The Sims games waaaay too much for my own good, I've noticed a couple of things.

So, Loki had several people under his power. He issued a command, and they went and did it. Sometimes, they seemed to do things autonomously to fulfil Loki's orders, but mostly they seemed to stay still until Loki told them what to do. And towards the end of the movie, those under his command were looking distinctly haggard, like their needs hadn't been properly taken care of, and even Loki was looking a bit harassed.

So what if controlling all those people was like trying to keep a full household of Sims working smoothly? Like, if he sets them to do a task, they won't stop to eat, sleep or relieve themselves until they literally collapse or pee themselves, so he has to keep _telling them to go pee or eat or sleep on top of everything else, and sometimes they will misinterpret his orders and do entirely the wrong thing, or for way longer than intended (I'm picturing a couple of minions still keeping watch over that German city way after Loki had left)._

And the more people under his command, the harder to keep tabs on how many of their needs were being met, and the more "accidents". After a while, it gets really annoying to be surrounded by people who will pee their pants, or starve themselves, because the whole "secret lair of evil" thing didn't come with washing machines (because have you seen any on the Sims games?) and the stench of urine is not one that goes away easily.

Make it cracky, people!

* * *

_****Loki's POV****_

When he had first come through the portal and taken control of the mortal's minds and bodies to serve him while he took over their world, Loki had thought it would be easy. By the third day he was beginning to question the decision to do so.

Initially it had been simple; the two mortals who had survived the escape from the underground compound; the sniper and the scientist, had obediently done as asked. The sniper found them a secure location to hide out in whilst the scientist began working on the Tesseract. Unfortunately Loki knew that he would need many more people for his goal to succeed. Telling the sniper to find him mortals who weren't fond of SHIELD was one of his better plans; the man had immediately sought out several organizations that were bought into the fold. Of course they all wanted some form of payment; the sceptre took care of that idea perfectly well. It was only the next day that Loki discovered the small flaw in the strategy.

Loki had walked out into the main room that was bustling with activity; the pathetic mortals scurrying around doing their tasks with surprisingly efficient one tracked mindedness; Loki was somewhat impressed. It was then that the smell hit him; the overpowering stench of excrement and urine. Wrinkling his nose in disgust, Loki stalked further into the room with a glare; upon closer inspection, several of the mortals had let their bowels loose, but continued on their tasks, it was disgusting.

The nearest one to him; the scientist, Selvig, was wearing a look of discomfort but hadn't stopped to clean himself up but continued tapping away at the device before him. "Why didn't you relieve yourself in the proper facilities?" Loki growled at him.

The man slowed his tapping and flicked his eyes up to Loki hesitantly. "You said to work on the Tesseract and let nothing stop us, Loki." He answered before returning to his task.

Loki frowned; clearly the mortals weren't as smart as he thought they were a moment ago. The Sceptre evidently caused them to take his demands in the literal sense. Sensing someone approach, Loki looked up to see Barton standing before him and holding out some kind of small square device.

"The update report on our project completion, Sir."

Loki glanced at the object then the mortal himself; at least the sniper hadn't soiled himself yet. As if he realised what Loki was thinking the man responded promptly. "Snipers are trained to stay in one position for hours on end, Sir. I can hold it for a while." There was a light frown of discomfort on his face as he answered and Loki figured that 'a while' was nearing its end.

Loki turned to face the mass of minions and thumped the butt of the sceptre on the ground. "Those in need, please go relieve yourselves in an orderly fashion immediately. Those who already have," he added wrinkling his nose. "Clean yourselves quickly and then return to work."

There was an immediate rush to the doors as a majority of the room headed toward the dank bathroom facilities with relieved faces; Selvig and Barton included. Sighing, Loki rubbed the side of his forehead almost gagging when he breathed in a mouthful of the foul smelling air. "Clean this room." He snapped at the nearest mortal who hadn't fled for the bathroom. The man nodded obediently and then scurried to do as asked. Satisfied, Loki turned and stalked back into the area he had deigned his quarters to get away from the stench.

* * *

Day two brought forth more problems. Apparently, those who hadn't relieved themselves when he ordered the others to had soiled themselves during the night. With gritted teeth he sent them to clean up and after a few seconds, ordered everyone to relieve themselves again. The strain he hadn't noticed on all the faces, faded as they went to do as ordered.

"This is ridiculous." Loki muttered under his breath. At least the room was clean, Loki thought at he looked around the large area they had setup as a command centre. Very, very clean…why was it so clean? Glancing around suspiciously, Loki found the reason; the mortal he had ordered to clean up the mess yesterday was still at it. He was on his hands and knees scrubbing at what looked like nothing in the corner of the room. Loki watched as the mortal's hands badly shook as he dipped the cloth into the soapy bucket before returning to scrub at the same spot jerkily. The human looked ready to collapse; the black sacks under his bloodshot eyes stood testament to the fact he had been cleaning non-stop. "You can stop cleaning." He stated idly as he walked passed. His lips twitched as the mortal let out a sigh of relief and sat back on his heels. "Return to your previous duties." He ordered before returning to watching over the mortals.

Barton was once more at his side holding out what Loki had discovered was called an electronic tablet; the man was quiet when he wanted to be. Without grabbing it, Loki flicked his eyes over the update; the words shook before his eyes and he frowned. Turning he shot the sniper a sharp look. "Keep it still." He ordered.

"Sorry, sir." Barton apologised, adjusting the tablet so that it was held in two hands instead of the previous one. The shaking didn't completely stop but it was minimised.

"Are you cold, Agent Barton?" Loki asked in amusement.

"No, Sir." Barton answered promptly.

"Then why are you shaking?" Loki asked curiously.

"Side effects, Sir."

"Explain." Loki demanded firmly.

"I haven't eaten or slept for almost fifty-six hours, Sir. Shaking is one of the side effects..." Barton's Tesseract blue eyes flicked over Loki's face before he continued. "My productivity will only decrease the longer I go on without sustenance or sleep, Sir."

Loki stared at the mortal flatly before spinning around and running his eyes over the mortals he had gathered; they all did look rather peaky. Closing his eyes he counted to ten in his mind and released a long sigh. This was ridiculous; couldn't they do simple things for themselves?! Opening his eyes he turned back to Barton who was patiently waiting beside him for orders and wasn't that just another annoying factor. "Organise some form of schedule to allow everyone a chance to eat and sleep." He growled. Barton nodded and turned away to do as asked. Satisfied that he had solved that little dilemma, Loki headed back to his quarters; he needed to contact the Chitauri.

* * *

The stench of excrement was once again in the air the next morning. "Barton!" Loki shouted in irritation. The sniper appeared by his side as if by magic.

"You hollered, Sir?"

Loki growled at the tone and the man stiffened ever so slightly. "I thought I told you to organise a schedule to prevent this type of thing!" he snapped, pointing to Selvig who had once again soiled himself but continued working.

Barton's eyes flicked over to the scientist before returning to Loki. "You said sleeping and eating, Sir." He replied cautiously.

Closing his eyes, Loki made a pained noise in frustration. "Add relieving ones self to the schedule." He growled out. Barton nodded and began tapping at the tablet in his hands. "No, wait." Loki said holding out a hand causing the sniper to stop. "Add using the bathroom facilities." He stated. Maybe it was better to be vague, that way they would bath as well; he glanced at Selvig, some of them clearly needed it.

"Yes, Sir." Barton answered. He too glanced at Professor Selvig. "Do you want me to send those who soiled themselves to the facilities immediately, Sir?" he asked.

Loki shot the man an irritated glance out the corner of his eye. If he didn't know better he was sure the agent was asking stupid questions just to piss him off. "Yes. Plan out everything so that productivity will not be affected adversely and put it into action." He answered before stalking away. Hopefully, _hopefully_, this ridiculous repetition of events would be behind him now and he could concentrate on achieving his goal.

* * *

When Loki next walked into the command room it seemed as if no one was actually doing anything. He looked around the room and found the soldiers all crowded in one corner laughing and joking whilst the scientists were in another. "What is going on here?" he demanded.

The nearest mortal; a scientist of some description if the white coat was to be believed answered. "We're relaxing, you should chill too."

Loki narrowed his eyes at the man; was that some kind of outrageous joke in regards to is heritage? "What?!" he hissed out angrily. The man paled and scrambled to his feet from where he had been sitting slouched against his desk. The thin book in his hand dropped to the ground with a small slap. Loki glanced at it and found the pages open to brightly coloured drawings of some ridiculously clothed people fighting some sort of battle.

"I-I…uhh…"

"Productivity levels were dropping drastically, Sir." Barton announced from the side. "A few hours of R &R should put it back up to previous levels."

"Fun?" Loki spat. "You planned a few hours of _fun_ into the schedule?"

"Yes, Sir." Barton answered promptly, tapping the edge of the tablet he always carried with a finger he continued. "You said to plan out everything that would adversely affect the productivity and put into action things that would prevent it, Sir."

Loki let out an inarticulate cry of frustration and threw his hands into the air. Why did they take everything he said so literally?! This was supposed to be so easy! Mortals of Midgard were beneath him but they continuously found ways to cause him immense frustration. By the Nine he was going to enjoy crushing them beneath his boots! "Get back to work." He ordered before storming out of the command centre angrily.

* * *

Finally, they had a plan of action and things were once more looking up. Selvig and Barton had found the next piece of the puzzle in Germany to allow the gateway to be formed. Loki allowed Barton to set up the plan of action; looking it over it seemed simple enough. Once they had arrived, Loki pointed at the nearest mercenaries. "Guard the surrounding area." He ordered striding out of the aircraft along with several more men. The mercenaries nodded and spread out so that they could guard the area efficiently whilst the others were gone.

Nodding to Barton; Loki headed off in the separate direction, magicking away his armour for something more simply and elegant in mortal standards so that he blended in. He caught sight of several cameras and made sure that they caught video of him heading inside the building. If everything went to plan, then SHIELD would come running.

Loki kept his minds eye on Barton's progress through the connection to the sceptre; as expected the man managed to get into position quickly. From there everything continued on smoothly; he obtained the eyeball Barton needed to access the Iridium and he watched the men retreat back to the jet and leave for the base camp. As expected SHIELD did turn up with three of the mortals Barton had told him about; Stark, Rogers and Romanov; the fourth flying the jet was inconsequential.

Unfortunately, there was a slight hiccup in the plan when Thor showed up. However the general result was still the same. Hopefully; he had managed to cover everything when he and Barton had planned out the attack on the Helicarrier; he didn't want any further hold ups because mortals were stupid pathetic creatures and couldn't do the simplest things without his permission. Unfortunately when the time for the attack came, he lost Barton but everything else went to plan. Selvig had created the portal allowing the Chitauri to come through and it looked like everything was finally going his way.

Of course that was when it all turned to a complete mess and the end result was him being slammed into the ground by the monstrous alternate ego of Banner, the Chitauri being defeated by the Avengers; including his ex-servent Barton, and Thor escorting him back to Asgard for punishment. Sighing through his nose due to the gag he looked at the paved ground thoughtfully; maybe he could actually get a break now. Who knew mind control was so tiring?

* * *

_****Barton's POV****_

After they had managed to escape the fallen SHIELD compound; Loki had ordered him to find them a secure place to hold up. It was easy enough; Clint had several bolt holes spotted around the country, no matter what people said; he wasn't paranoid, he was prepared. And in this case, his preparedness was helpful. _Unfortunately, now SHIELD was never going to find them;_ the small part of his mind that wasn't controlled by Loki thought.

After the God had spelt out what the general plan of action was, Clint knew they were going to have to find more personnel. Apparently Loki worked that out too and ordered the sniper to find them. It was also easy enough; in the five hours since Loki had come through the portal, Clint had managed to bring in several mercenary and militia groups that were not fond of SHIELD. The god had quickly thrown any discussion of payment out the window by using his glowing sceptre on the men and sent them to work and putting Clint in charge. Talking with Selvig enabled him to sort out who was fit for what tasks and within an hour everyone was working efficiently much to Loki's delight.

Twelve hours in and Clint's bladder was beginning to make its self known. He ignored it in favour of sourcing the parts Selvig needed for the Tesseract project; he could hold it. Unfortunately as discovered several hours later; some of the others couldn't. It made working in the command area less favourable but it wasn't like they had a choice in the matter. The small part in the back of his mind that was free felt sympathetic embarrassment on behalf of those who soiled themselves; it was also glad he had been trained to hold it in.

Loki didn't seem overly impressed with the outcome either and ordered them to relieve themselves and clean up; Clint was thankful for the reprieve; the pressure on his bladder was beginning to become unbearable. He actually let out a deep relieved sigh when it was his turn to use the toilet.

* * *

Smothering the latest yawn behind his hand, Clint watched over the assembled group as they worked. They had been going at it for almost forty-eight hours now and looked like they were beginning to lag. Those who hadn't used the bathroom facilities last night were evidently paying for it now and even those who had were looking uncomfortable; Clint was also unfortunately one of the latter. Surprisingly the only evidence of the mess was the people's clothes; there was nothing coating the floor; the poor bastard Loki had ordered to clean up was still going hard at it. The years of grime and recent evidence of occupation was now cleared; Clint was pretty sure the place had never been cleaner.

He caught Loki entering the room out of the corner of his eye and quickly finished updating the progress report. He almost cried in relief when Loki ordered them all to use the bathroom again; he was sure he wasn't the only one.

He made his way across the room on his return only paused once when he felt a slight wave of dizziness flow over him from the lack of food and sleep; any more of this and he was positive he wasn't going to be much use. The last time he had eaten was nearly six hours before Loki had come through the portal; the last time he slept was even further back than that.

As he approached he noted Loki sending the unfortunate soul who had spent the night spring cleaning back to his previous duties; he silently held out the progress report for the God to look over, internally smirking when he noted the slight twitch of surprise. _Still got it, Barton_, the back of his mind thought.

"Hold still." Loki snapped.

"Sorry, Sir." Clint apologised as he adjusted his grip on the tablet; even with two hands, much to his chagrin he couldn't completely stop it from shaking minutely.

"Are you cold, Agent Barton?"

Clint shook his head in answer. "No, Sir." He said obediently. He wasn't really cold, the temperature wasn't warm by any means but they were underground; his jacket was sufficient to keep him from freezing.

"Then why are you shaking?" Loki asked curiously.

"Side effects, Sir." Clint answered.

"Explain." Loki demanded firmly.

"I haven't eaten or slept for almost fifty-four hours, Sir. Shaking is one of the side effects..." Clint looked up at Loki and then shrugged helplessly. "My productivity will only decrease the longer I go on without sustenance or sleep, Sir." He hoped Loki got the hint; his stomach wasn't the only one that was growling and he certainly wasn't the only one who was yawning and being forced to drink energy drinks in effort to stay awake; drinks that also tended to have the unlucky side effect of making the drinker need too pee more often.

Loki stared at him coolly for several seconds before turning away and looking over the rest of his mind controlled servants. Apparently he recognised that they needed to eat and recharge because he turned back to Clint. "Organise some form of schedule to allow everyone a chance to eat and sleep." He ordered curtly before turning and storming off to do God only knew what. Clint nodded and brought the tablet up sorting out a sort of schedule that would enable everyone a chance to sleep and eat. Unfortunately, Loki hadn't mentioned bathroom breaks; that was gonna come back to bite him in the ass, Clint thought with a small amused smirk. That faded pretty quickly when he realised that _he_ wouldn't be able to go to the bathroom either. _Great._

* * *

"Barton!"

Clint jerked his head up as his name was screamed in anger and he quickly sped over to Loki's side. "You hollered, Sir?" he asked. The small part of his mind that was free found great joy in the fact that Loki twitched at the small dig; the rest of him stiffened at the look the God sent him in return.

"I thought I told you to organise a schedule to prevent this type of thing!" Loki snapped, pointing to Selvig who had once again soiled himself but continued working.

Clint looked over toward Selvig and felt a momentary flash of guilt. "You only said sleeping and eating, Sir." He replied cautiously.

The archer watched as Loki closed his eyes and groaned aloud. "Add relieving ones self to the schedule." He growled out.

Clint nodded quickly and brought up the tablet. _Thank God, for small mercies_; he thought to himself as he began inserting the request into the schedule.

"No, wait." Clint paused and looked back up to Loki. "Add using the bathroom facilities." The God stated.

"Yes, Sir." Barton answered. He glanced at Professor Selvig who was still working in his dirty clothing. "Do you want me to send those who soiled themselves to the facilities immediately, Sir?" he asked. Part of the archer was sympathetic to the poor bastard's situation, but part of him, Clint was sure, was just trying to piss off the self proclaimed God when he asked the obvious question. Either way, the fact that he had managed to ask the question at all meant that Loki's hold on him had loosened just a little.

Loki looked at him narrowly out of the corner of his eye before he answered. "Yes. Plan out everything so that productivity will not be affected adversely and put it into action." He ordered before walking away.

Clint pursed his lips as he looked at the tablet in his hands. _Plan out everything so productivity isn't affected adversely_. That was kind of a vague order. The free part of his mind wondered what he could get away with sticking into the schedule to slow Loki down and increase the chances of SHIELD catching up to them. The fact that Loki pretty much had to tell them when to eat, sleep and use the bathroom was of course humiliating, but it also slowed down their progress. It actually reminded him of the stupid computer game Natasha had given to him when he was stuck in traction two years ago where he had, in his everlasting boredom, created little versions of SHIELD agents and controlled their every move. He had taken great delight in watching the mini-Quartermaine piss himself and fall asleep in his own mess. Natasha had deleted the game and taken him down repeatedly in the gym after she found the mini-Black Widow and mini-Hill woohooing. _Good times_; he thought with a grin.

The grin turned into a thoughtful look as he pondered the idea. Loki was essentially controlling them like Sims; they had needs that had to be catered for; eating, sleeping, general hygiene and toilet breaks. What were the others? Social interaction and fun? His Sims had always packed a sad and refused to do anything when those needs had gotten too low…and Loki did mention planning out everything so that the productivity wasn't adversely affected…

* * *

"What is going on here?"

Clint looked up from where he was leaning against the wall chatting to one of the mercs he had obtained. He was getting as much detail on the man's connections as he could. It helped to know someone's skills and abilities; finding out the mercenary organization details so that he could inform SHIELD afterward was a side benefit.

"We're relaxing, you should chill too." One of the scientists was informing Loki.

"What?!" The God shrieked. Clearly he wasn't impressed with the updated schedule.

"I-I…uhh…" the scientist stuttered backing away from the enraged God.

"Productivity levels were dropping drastically, Sir." Barton announced as he moved forward to intercept the God's anger. "A few hours of R& R should put it back up to previous levels."

"Fun?" Loki spat. "You planned a few hours of _fun_ into the schedule?"

"Yes, Sir." Barton answered promptly managing to keep the amused smirk of his face by pure luck alone. He tapped his index against the edge of the tablet as he continued. "You said to plan out everything that would adversely affect the productivity and put into action things that would prevent it, Sir."

Evidently it wasn't quite the answer Loki was looking for as he threw his hands into the air and let out a scream of rage. Clint fought the urge not to cower away from the dark look the mad God sent his way; he was pretty sure he was going to die any second now. "Get back to work." Was the hissed order as Loki stormed out of the room. Clint shrugged his shoulders and returned to sourcing the materials needed for the project. He glanced at the scientist who was watching the God's retreating form nervously. "You heard the boss, back to work." He said. The scientist jumped, giving Clint a anxious look before hurrying back to doing whatever it was earlier he was doing.

* * *

Having told Loki that he needed an eyeball and the iridium, Loki had ordered for him to set up a plan of attack to retrieve the two objects. It was a simply and yet effective plan. Loki had read it over and agreed, making a couple of changes at the end which resulted in the God leaving Selvig in charge of finishing the Tesseract project and Clint leading an attack on the Helicarrier.

Clint had mixed emotions as he went about putting the plan into action. Part of him was smug that it was going off without a hitch; and part of him was absolutely mortified that it was going off without a hitch and people; people he knew and people he didn't but were nonetheless innocent, were dying. Clint's body continued on even though his mind was screaming for him to stop as he led the attack on the Helicarrier to free Loki and separate the team Fury had gathered to fight him. He decided he owed Natasha the biggest and most expensive damned bottle of Russian Vodka when she knocked Loki's control out of his head and everything faded to black.

Waking up to the ability to control his own limbs was a relief; waking up strapped down to a bed wasn't quite what he wanted but he understood their paranoia. The images of what he had done under Loki's control flowed through his mind and the wave of guilt that followed was expected but sucked nonetheless. Joining Captain America and the rest of the Avengers Initiative helped to somewhat dull the sharp edge of guilt but he knew it was going to never completely fade away.

Debriefing after defeating Loki and the Chitauri army was painful. Normally Coulson would have been the one to do it, but Loki had killed him during the attack on the Helicarrier; and wasn't that just a kick in the nuts; so Sitwell was doing it. He told the agent everything on autopilot; from the time Loki had come through the portal and taken control of him to the end of the fight. By the time his was finished his head was nodding forward and he was sure he was slurring in exhaustion.

"You're saying that the Sceptre ensured you literally did the task Loki ordered you to, by the letter?" Sitwell asked.

"Yeah." Clint answered. "Unfortunate side effect was that his servants didn't even stop for basic needs. It was kind of messy that first few days." Sitwell's face wrinkled when he realised Clint's meaning and he took note of it in his report. Clint chuffed in vague amusement. "He told some poor bastard merc to clean the room; guy didn't stop cleaning for nearly twenty four hours until Loki told him to stop. Pretty sure the tunnel had never been cleaner."

"I see." Sitwell said, a slight smirk of amusement gracing his face. "You can go now, Agent Barton. Report to your quarters, you're confined there until Director Fury has gone over your report. Please ensure you are available for any further questions."

Clint nodded absently and pushed to his feet. He was almost out the door when a thought occurred and he turned back to Sitwell. "Uhh, you might want to go to Germany and check to see if those mercs are still guarding the area we used as a landing pad for the jet. Loki told them to guard it…they uhh…didn't join us on the flight back, they're probably still there guarding it."

Sitwell's face twisted in a mixture of disbelief and amusement, before he shook his head and took note of it on his pad of paper. "I'll look into it, thank you, Agent Barton."

Clint nodded and then headed out. He had a date with his bunk and he planned to avoid everyone he possibly could on the way there.

* * *

_**And there we have my random bit of fun :P**_


End file.
